Thursday, October 20, 2011

i want to prove my point!

I've been living alone for almost two weeks now. And I have this roller coaster of emotions since I've been "independent".
I've felt pride for myself because I did have the courage to move out and leave the person that's been  treating me like trash since last year (or longer than that). I felt good that I have the freedom to do what I want without the questioning look of my family. I can use my time to my own liking. I can eat what I want. I can wear what I want (or wear nothing if I want). I decide for myself. I am free. And that is proving my point!
But a friend told me not to get drunk on freedom. Well, I can assure her that won't happen. Being drunk on something means you're getting more than you can handle because you're enjoying it too much to notice that you had enough.
But frankly speaking, I'm not enjoying this. I've been eating alone. Sleeping alone. Seeing nobody after work, just facing the four corners of my room.Nobody's asking  how my day was. If I feel okay? If I feel fine? Am I tired? Nobody.
All my life "solitude" is not a familiar word for me. I'm constantly surrounded by friends and family. I'm always with somebody.
But lately, I felt that solitary is what I need. I've been in chaos. I've felt like I've been in a war. That's why I need silence, solitude. I need to find my peace. I need to find myself. I've lost it in battle. Battle with my husband, with my own self, and with life.
And I'm still fighting loneliness just to prove my point. I've missed my daughter terribly but I have to prove my point. I'm broke but I'm keeping my pride just to prove my point. I am holding back my tears so no one will notice my pain just to prove my point. I keep on smiling though I'm broken inside just to prove my point.
I only pray that God will give me strength to carry on. I hope that in time I will find myself and I will know, finally, what I really want and what could really make me happy. And I'll have the courage to go after my own sunshine and rainbow. And finally people will see that I have proven my point. Finally....


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